By Nicole Andersen, MSW Intern
Does it ever feel like you're constantly putting someone else’s needs before your own? Maybe you feel responsible for their happiness and emotions, or you struggle to say no, even whenyou're exhausted. If so, you might be dealing with codependency. It’s a pattern of behavior when people become overly reliant on others emotionally, mentally, or even physically. But the good news? You can break free and start living life on your own terms. Let’s talk about how.
What is Codependency?
Codependency happens when someone’s sense of self-worth is tied to another person. It often shows up in relationships where there is a power imbalance. Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, talks in great detail about how codependency can make people feel stuck in unhealthy relationships, often without even realizing it.
The first step to breaking free from this unhealthy relationship pattern is recognizing the signs, like:
• Feeling responsible for other people’s problems or emotions
• Saying yes when you really want to say no
• Feeling anxious or guilty when you put yourself first
• Having a hard time making decisions without someone else’s approval
• Trying to “fix” or “rescue” others, even at your own expense
If any of this sounds familiar, don’t worry. You’re not alone. There are so many people in a
dependent relationship, but there are ways to heal.
Step 1: Build Self-Awareness
The first step to change is noticing the patterns. Journaling can be a great way to start tracking your thoughts and behaviors.
Ask yourself these questions:
• Why do I feel responsible for this person’s emotions?
• What happens when I try to set a boundary?
• Do I believe my needs matter just as much as theirs? One model we can look to for hope and direction is The Community Reinforcement and Family
(CRAFT) model. This model teaches us that self-awareness is key to changing many
unhealthy behaviors. By recognizing your patterns, you can start making different choices.
Step 2: Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are a hot topic right now, but what exactly is a boundary? A boundary is a limit or
guideline that defines how people interact with one another in a way that maintains respect,
safety, and personal well-being. Boundaries help people protect their physical, emotional, and mental space while also allowing for healthy relationships. Boundaries also help protect your energy and well-being. They’re not about shutting people out, in fact, boundaries have nothing to do with other people; they’re about making sure YOUR needs are met. There are different types of boundaries.
1. Physical Boundaries – Personal space, touch, and physical autonomy (ex. if someone is
inappropriately touching you or making unwanted advances with family, at work, or personal
settings, you have the right to take action).
2. Emotional Boundaries – Protecting your feelings and emotional energy, you can do this by only accepting behaviors that are truthful, considerate, loving, respectful, and empowering by others. (ex. Removing yourself from a situation where those needs are not met).
3. Time Boundaries – Choosing for yourself how you spend your time and balancing
responsibilities (ex. saying no to extra commitments when overwhelmed, not allowing others
to choose how you spend your time).
4. Mental Boundaries – Respecting differing opinions and beliefs while maintaining your own (ex. standing by your values even if others disagree).
5. Relationship Boundaries – Setting limits in friendships, family, and romantic relationships (ex. not tolerating disrespect or toxic behavior).
6. Work/School Boundaries – Separating professional life from personal life to maintain
balance (ex. not answering work emails after hours).
Boundaries can look like:
• Telling an addictive partner that they need to address the addiction that is getting in the
way of the relationship or a boundary will need to be set to promote safety in the
relationship.
• Taking a pause before responding when someone asks for something, making sure your
• Reminding yourself that you’re not responsible for fixing other people’s problems• “I have the right to not be mistreated anymore. I have the right to change my surroundings: That is within my own control.”
It might feel uncomfortable at first, but setting boundaries is an act of self-care and is not selfish. If you need help with setting boundaries and fostering safety, give us a call!
Step 3: Focus on Your Own Happiness
One of the hardest parts of codependency is feeling like you need to be needed. But your
happiness should come from within yourself and not from fixing or taking care of others. We
need to remember the importance of self-care and independence. Try:
• Finding hobbies that bring you joy
• Spending time with people who support your growth
• Practicing self-compassion and reminding yourself you’re enough just the way you are
The more you focus on your own well-being, the less you’ll feel the need to rely on this
unhealthy relationship. Interdependence is different from codependency. Interdependent
relationships are built on a foundation of individuals supporting each other’s needs and goals.
Each party benefits in these relationships. The only way to foster an interdependent relationship is by, letting go of codependent control and self worth, being autonomous and taking care of yourself.
Step 4: Get Support
You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy, support groups like Co-Dependents Anonymous
(CoDA) or reading books that cover the topic of codependency can help you stay on track. The CRAFT model also teaches that making small, positive changes in how you interact with others can lead to healthier relationships over time.
Breaking free from codependency isn’t about cutting people off. It’s about learning to love and respect yourself. Change takes time, but every step forward is a step toward a healthier, happier you. You deserve relationships that bring joy, not exhaustion.
And most importantly, you deserve to be happy, just for being you!
Books we recommend on this topic:
Links to Local Resources: